porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
