What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.