Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
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you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me