the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
These tits shall not be calmed
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
