We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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