Apparently you make a good broom.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
