i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
