The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize