I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you had me at cake vodka
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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