My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
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found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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