Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
do herpes really smell.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
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