the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
