im drinking this country out of the recession.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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