Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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