my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
