If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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