I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize