Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
