I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
