onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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