Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
