at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
