so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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