My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
