she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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