How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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