Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
