I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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