I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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