Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My vagina is officially offended.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
