i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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