Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
