thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
