is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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