Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
