I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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