Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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