My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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