She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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