Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
