i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
