i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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