Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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