I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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