Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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