How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
