Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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