i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
