I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
even my farts smell like vagina
this just has baby written all over it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
