note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
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