Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Boobs speak an international language.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
