I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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