"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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