there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
