I puked a lego.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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