He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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