Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
ok first of all what the fuck
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
