at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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