her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
